(Yevamos 62b) says that the unmarried Jew lives without happiness, blessing, goodness,
Torah, protection and peace. One should "take a step down [humbling ones self and his
expectations a notch] and get married."
The Torah only refers to the human being as
complete and blessed after G-d made male AND female and brought them together, as it says
(Genesis 5:2), "Male and female He created them and He blessed THEM and He called
THEIR name man."
The first portion of Evven Ha'ezzer, the
section of the Shulchan Aruch on marriage, deals with finding a mate who is suitable to
live with and have a family with.
In our generation, there are more and more
and older Jewish singles and the numbers and ages of Jewish singles keeps going up. What's
more, the number of divorces keeps rising so the number of Jews RETURNING to singlehood
keeps adding more and more to the singles statistics.
This is a complex problem which has many,
many facets including, but not limited to, lack of communicating or relating skills,
psychological shortcomings, bad midos (character-traits or spiritual qualities),
immaturity, selfishness, erroneous or unhealthy relationship choices, superficial or
erroneous criteria for selecting, misdirected or incompetent matchmaking, parental
meddling, deception in making a match, singles' self-deception and many others.
As if that weren't complex enough, there
are some different mate-seeking customs in different communities.
The difference between something that is
called gadol [big] and something that is called koton [small] is that a thing which is big
gives to others and a thing which is small takes from others. The moon is called the
"small light" because it takes light from the sun. A child is called
"koton" because he depends on the table of others. A "gadol hador [biggest
of a generation]" is a leader and guide in Torah who the generation needs. The heart
is called a "big organ" because it supplies nourishment to the entire body
[Rabainu Yerucham]. In order to be ready to marry, one must be ready to be a gadol: one
who gives to and dependably supplies the needs of others; and not to be a koton: one who
takes from or depends upon others.
The Torah tradition is loaded with sources
on how to qualify, select and maintain a match. Questions in shidduchim (matchmaking)
[such as who to marry, when is the right time to marry, what criteria determine who is a
suitable and realistic match for me, what criteria determine who I am a suitable and
realistic match for, etc.] are too important to risk blundering with. Lives of the man,
woman and their children can be ruined by a mistaken choice. Divorce should never be taken
lightly. Marriage success depends upon the attitude that this is commitment and is
"for keeps." Instead of making or risking blunders, it is possible to learn from
other people's disasters and the timeless Torah how to improve the chances of making a
successful and lifelong match for yourself and singles you care about.
This "Find Your Zivug [Mate]"
section is designed for all Jewish singles, and the people who care about them, to bring
singles closer to finding a suitable and compatible mate. As with all life-impacting
projects, one should have a rov or wise and objective mentor as a guide to design and
steadily supervise the mate search and all elements of it.
- Loshon Hora & Information-Seeking
- Healthy & Compatible Mate
- Yitzchok & Rivka: The Torah's
View of Finding a Mate
- From Meeting to Meaning: Building a
Serious and Lasting Relationship
- "Frus-Dating" - Mismatching
- For Chassidim & Others of the
- Responsible & Meaningful
- Community Involvement in Making
- What is True Readiness for Marriage?
- From Building a Relationship to
Planning a Simcha